‘There i sat alone in the car the weight of what you’d done around me, oh all around me
and with the water rushing down my eyes, it was all that i could do, not to scream’
Why haven’t I heard of these lovelies before now?
Reminding me of when I was 16 and being a very silly girl.
The past 48 hours have been good and bad. I just want to keep a clear mind, set goals, and be happy.
Getting there slowly but surely :)
You make me happppyy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear, how much I lav you, sa don’t take my sunshine away
Ps soft kitty warm kitty lil baw of furr happy kitty sleepy kitty pu pu pur
This has been along time coming
For weeks and weeks I have held everything in.
As some would know I hate conflict, it actually shreds my insides to shit. I keep my mouth shut, take what I get, and move on, as some would say ’ a door mat’.
But this has got to me something awful:
You make out I am a horrible person, not once have I said anything horrible to you, not once. The only one big shit thing that I have done, was leave you. Time and time again, I told you why. I still loved you of course I did, but I wasn’t happy, and you early didn’t care. I wanted time to think, to try and change, try and make myself happy without depending on you.
You would talk me down,jokingly say ‘how stupid can you be’, we wouldn’t do anything. We were ambushed into your room, dependant on each other. I pretty much sacrificed everything for you. I near enough lost contact with my nearest friends, would have arguments with my dad about how I WAS happy, while he told me I didn’t look it. I would say I was busy to what friends I had left, because I knew you’d be annoyed I was going out. It was always your way. In 2 years we didn’t do the stuff you planned up, which I knew wouldn’t happen, but still held hope.
I would face being fucking humiliated at family events, everyone asking ‘where’s your boyfriend’ or ‘are you sure you have a boyfriend’. You knew how that made me feel, you were confirmed that by others too, and you understood that, but again, didn’t do anything about it.
One of the worst nights ever, and you would probably agree too, was lying with you, on your couch. Begging you to come a 30 minute drive to my sisters with me. To baby sit while they went out. But you said it would be too awkward, to look after a child, who was too young to walk or talk. I begged your for 3 hours to come with me, I cried so hard, and you grabbed on to me. I honestly did think, when you sat in the car to say goodbye that you would just say ‘fuck it’ and come with me. And you didn’t. You walked back inside and i drove away in tears trying to think of another fucking excuse. But I did. And I hated it, I hated making up shitty excuses. It hurt me so bad. Every time I said you were ‘out with your sister’ ‘sick’ or ‘studying’.
The nights I would cry and tell you that I was bored and we didn’t do anything !~ I wanted to do more stuff, but again nothing happened. I would lie on your mattress crying my heart out, and you ignored it and left me to cry to sleep.
I’m sorry, but I had to do it. You said months ago you would try and change, but the last couple of times I’ve been in your presence you seem the exact same. I do honestly think you want to but just don’t have the guts to try something new.
You put me down in your blogs, after we ended, how much of a horrible person I am. You texted me and told me I deserve a life of misery. I can type everything out, all the horrible nasty shit you have said, and not once did I say anything as rancid that you have to me, I wanted to, but I couldn’t .
I’ve hurt you, time and time again, and I know that and I am sincerely sorry. You know deep down I am. But there is absolutely no point in carrying this on, if you’re going to make me feel like the shittest person that has ever walked this earth.
So go and post stuff about me. The only thing that hurts is that fact that you feel the need to post the shit about days out with this girl and that girl, when you never even stuck to a planned day out with me. It hurts like fuck. Like I wasn’t worth shit when we were together. The only real day out/away we had, was recently, when MY mum got a hotel for us and we saw mr Skiba. I even said to Emma things would have been okay with us of he had done that more often.
But I’m leaving this now. I it’s dragging me down and depressing me to fuck.
I just hope you’re happy, actually realise you only live once, and one day figure out i done this so the both of us could be happy wether that be together or apart. You just need to look in the mirror before you call me the horrible one.
SIGH.
